Parents’ House Renovation – Day 5

It’s been a long time since the last time our house got renovated, and this time it’s the biggest one so far. Half of the house is being renovated and now the whole family members’ activities are done in a space half of one they used to take up. Stuffed. (^～^;)ゞ

Mom said it probably will take around 2 months. Time goes faster, please ~(=^‥^)ノ God bless our home ♡ Amen.

“Faith” Is Another Term For “Love” In Korean

Every Friday I have a private Korean Language class in my teacher’s house. These days’ meeting, I want to focus on speaking because I still can’t speak sufficiently fluent in Korean. So, last Friday we conducted conversation session again.

You guys know that I’ve been so into trying to understand men these days, haha, so in my latest Korean class, I also talked about that. Learning that I’m trying to trust men, my teacher said, “In Korean, the other word to call ‘love’ is ‘faith’.”

She said, “‘사랑’의 다른 말은 ‘믿음’이에요.” 믿음 (read: mideum) is the noun form of a verb 믿다 (read: mitta) which means “to trust” or “to believe”. That’s why 믿음 literally means “trust” or “belief” or “faith”.

She said, if we think wisely, “love” and “trust” just can’t be sepparated. We won’t be able to love someone completely if there is no trust; and in order to be able to start loving, we’ve got to learn how to trust first.

Geez, I love my Korean class. Hahaha.

That is just so true, isn’t it?! Whew, I feel grateful for I’m a believer and I have religion, at least it’s a good start. Haha. Hm, I think Kim Dong Wan (of Shinhwa) is right; he said he wants his future wife to be a believer, for she might be a good lover too. Because religion requires us to trust something we don’t always see, being a believer is a good way to start loving.

Men Are All Like That (?)

When I listen to Kim Jong Kook’s song entitled Men Are All Like that, I can’t help but to think about whether they really are like that.

Maybe it won’t be as fair if I say that men are all like that. One thing I readily forget is that men are human beings too. It really is easy for me to try to understand my female friends, meanwhile I just don’t know how things work for my male friends.

I was raised in my family with just my fraternal twin sister as my companion, and my family is that of an old school, so I haven’t really got a chance to get to know boys better. Wait, did I just justify something?? Well, I hope I didn’t.. Haha.

Okay, so the point is I don’t know guys. One thing I remember the most, ever since I realize that they are actually different beings, they have always acted strange. They don’t communicate the way I do, they don’t interprete things they way I do, and I just can’t decode their messages. So frustrating.

As I grew up, I saw my mom holding back her disappointments for my dad, my female friends holding back their anger for their boyfriends, and my sister hides her problems from her boyfriend. Those things are just for one reason: “He’s like that. We just can’t do something about it.” And I’m still wondering, “WHY???”

My most available resources for my knowledge regarding to those beings are books, movies, and stories, but I guess they are all subjective. Thus, I’m still more or less clueless.

My ego suggests me to fight every slightest feeling of guilt or inferiority. I don’t want to be dominated or oppressed by those beings, no matter what happen or for any kind of reason (especially after my first love experience). Thus I have been so unfamiliar with relationship.

However, I know it’s never been a good vision, so I’m changing it. I want to try finding it myself, whether all men or at least ‘this man’ is like that.

Pray for me guys ♡

Lyrics of My Life: Mariah Carey – We Belong Together

Some of you might have your own special songs about you with your special one, you with your life, you with a special moment in your life, and so on. Just like a couple who have their own song that reflects their love, I also have some songs which represent my love life.

I’ve ever fallen in love twice, and those were not happily ended (relatively, well, if you think that in the end we should be together). Those guys were my close friend, they seemed like they like me they way I am. I needed at least a half-year to realize that I love them, and in the end I was just sitting alone and cried. *sob* The day I told them that I  like them would be the day I decided to forget them. Oh my, sometimes I think I’m stupid and miserable (but now I know I’m not. tee-hee)

A year has passed by, when I was introduced to someone new. He was someone exceptional, but I have let my feeling frozen inside so I don’t care. We became partners since then, we have something in common and set up a club together. As we get closer, I knew that he was nice and everything, but I wasn’t ready to trust someone and kept avoiding every single personal chance he was about to have with me. Until one day, he revealed himself to me and showed me his different color, he was someone for me and I have fallen for him.

I was someone new, I smiled more often, I spaced out every time I was alone, I never got angry, and my friends told me they liked it. Love was in the air, even though I couldn’t see that but everyone told me that my face got brighter when he was around. I started to look at him. Every time we were near and he smiled at me, then he looked at me, I started to see the difference. He had his own way looking at me, it was so lovely. He waited me out of my class, peeking in through the window and made funny faces, I smiled at him and he smiled at me too. Once, I hadn’t come in my class yet, but he waited me there. He was sleeping alone, and I felt a kind of a wonderful feeling as I looked in through the window and saw him there. Oh, God… I love him. For others they said he was pretty, as for me he was exceptional.

But time have changed. It has been a month since the last day he called me and asked me “Where you at?” (I know the grammar’s just not precise, but it is how Taeyang sings in his song.tee-hee). He called me as he used to be, just to make sure whether I’m at the university or not, suppose I’m around he would come and see me. But he never come, not that time, not as himself. He went away, he was gone.

—————————————————————————–

(Ooh, ooh, sweet love, yeah)

I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t love you so
I should’ve held on tight, I never should’ve let you go
I didn’t know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish
I was lying to myself

I could not fathom I would ever be without your love
Never imagined I’d be sitting here beside myself
‘Cause I didn’t know you, ’cause I didn’t know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt

The feeling that I’m feeling now that I don’t hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips ’cause I don’t have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have you lying by my side
Right here, ’cause baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It’s still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
‘Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon’ lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who’s gonna take your place, there ain’t nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together

I can’t sleep at night when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack’s on the radio saying to me:
“If you think you’re lonely now”
Wait a minute this is too deep (too deep)
I gotta change the station so I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break and then I hear Babyface
I only think of you and it’s breaking my heart
I’m trying to keep it together but I’m falling apart

I’m feeling all out of my element
I’m throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong
The pain inflicted in this song ain’t even half of what I’m feeling inside
I need you, need you back in my life, baby
(We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
It’s still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please
(Come back, come back)
‘Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon’ lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who’s gonna talk to me on the phone till the sun comes up (Oooooh yeah)
Who’s gonna take your place, there ain’t nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together baby! (We belong together)

When you left I lost a part of me (Together)
(Oooooooh yeah)
It’s still so hard to believe
(Come back, come back)
Come back baby, please (Oooooooh yeah)
(Come back, come back)
‘Cause we belong together

Who else am I gon’ lean on when times get rough (Ooooooh yeah)
Who’s gonna talk to me till the sun comes up (Ooooooh yeah)
Who’s gonna take your place, there ain’t nobody better (Oooooooh yeah)
Oh, baby baby, we belong together!

Ooooooh yeah
Ooooooh yeah
Ooooooh yeah
We belong together

—————————————————————

I remembered he called my bestfriend, asking “Does she (ji-eun) like me?”.  Then my friend said “No.” It was a different time, I haven’t realized that I like him.

I remembered he told me when we were driving in his car, “I feel that I’m comfortable being around you, talking like this. Do you feel the same thing?” and I said “Hm..Let’s se.. Well, not really.”

I remembered, everytime he asked me to go out together, I always refused them. I was afraid, afraid of loving someone again, afraid of getting hurt.

But now I’m losing him… Am I stupid or what? (back to the same question again *sob*)

The Man that I Miss so Much

“I can’t stand this anymore…” said I.

He kept looking at me. I knew he tried his best for the past few weeks to keep up our friendship but I refused cooperating, I wanted to end this all.

“Tell me, what I should do?” asked him.

“I’ve told you, I don’t like the way you treat me. You nag around like you’re the one who knows it all. I don’t like it, you’re a man but you nag more often than me.” Actually, that wasn’t the biggest problem.

“Ha-ha. Hey! Relax! I knew that, I was just teasing you!” said him, and I know it was true. He liked to tease me just because he thought I was funny when I was mad, but again, that wasn’t the main problem.

“I knew it exactly, and I don’t like you teasing me.” Said I persistently.

“Well,” he smiled again. I always wonder why he can smile in this kind of situation. This wasn’t the first time we fight but he always can behave calmer and wiser than me. “Adel… you should take things easier.”

“Well, I’ve tried to,” again, persistently. No matter what, I should end this. There was something more than nagging-around problem, “but I’d better don’t do that this time.”

“Why?” I also wonder why he kept asking things, but I like this kind of personality. Sometimes, he used to try to make everything’s clear.

“***, you know I have lots of things to complaint to you.”

“Yes, you want me to behave like a man, I knew that exactly, but… hey, please don’t be like this, I was just kidding! Ha-ha. Enjoy your life!” he laughed lightly as he wished I could smile with him and be relax, but I couldn’t.

“You also know that we fight more than anyone,”

“Well, you’re not only thoughtful, but also perfectionist. I knew that, and that’s not a problem for me. We’re friends, close friends… Just…okay, I’ll change, promise.”

“***, that’s not the main problem…”

“So, tell me. We both know, communication is needed in every single relationship. That’s the key, right? So, tell me. I’m listening.”

“I wanna ask you, do you know why I get angry easily to you?” asked I as I try to make the situation clear.

“Yah… because you think I make mistakes.”

“Why do I have to care about your mistakes very often? Why do you think I paid that much attention?”

“Yah… I don’t know. Maybe…you…I don’t know…” he had his doubt this time. I could feel it from the way his words blurred.

“…it’s because I like you…”

We both knew that this wasn’t good. He started to see my point of view, and I could see it from his face that he was uneasy. He belongs to someone else, he belongs to a woman that he’s in love with and loves him. They were both serious about the relationship, and I don’t wanna mess with them.

“This should be ended.” I declared my point once again.

“Well, I…”

I was amazed… This was the first time, after we become close friends for more than a year, for me to see his doubtful, uneasy, and shocked face of him. This was the first time that quarrelsome guy for not replying my argument.

“You see, I become emotional every time I talk with you and in addition, you get me to be emotional by making me mad. This is unhealthy, this should be stopped. I can’t be your close friend anymore…I’m sorry.”

“Well, I… I can do nothing then.” What? I couldn’t believe this. That quarrelsome didn’t make any argument. Actually, deep in my heart, I was still hoping that he would choose to keep up our relationship, but I also realized that it was impossible and wasn’t good at all. “Just, thanks for being my friend. You were a close friend of mine. I need you…really, I liked it when we shared things. Well, I couldn’t find any friend as fine as you, but…”

I could see it from his face that he absolutely agreed with me. This should be ended.

I was just freeze and say nothing.

“Thank you…” he said, and that was the day. The day he went away…outta my life, because I wanted him to and he agreed.

Few months later, I heard that he was married. He married the woman that he swore he was in love with forever. He told me himself once, that this woman would be the last woman in his life. He was serious then.

“Are you okay?” asked one of my friends.

“Of course. What are you thinking about? That quarrelsome… we should be happy for him, right?” said I indifferently.

Now, oh God…how I miss him…how I need him…I got a problem now. Kind of problems that I would share to him and ask him for advices if he was here. Now I have no one to talk to. I need him, God… If only he was here, it should be very helpful.

I used to come to him directly and tell him everything. I tell him how I don’t like this, don’t like that. Then he would tell me that it was common, everybody should face the same problem. Then he told me the good and bad condition, the views, the solutions, so I can decide things clearly and well.

I laughed when he gave me jokes, I told him when he made mistakes and vice versa, we shared point of view, I told him what I don’t like, and what a man should become. What was more enchanting is,  every time I stated that women are better than men, he would smile sincerely and answered, “Yes, they are.”

Anyway, he should be happy now with his new family, away from here: the place where I write this and feel so helpless. I miss him. I need him…

(written on Sunday, June 21, 2009)